I’m Not The Babysitter
You’ll have to excuse me but I have a quick vent today. There is a question I am tired of hearing. My wife has been out of town for a bit and I’ve been home with the girls. I am perfectly happy to adjust my schedule because my wife is taking care of some very important things.
Things get messy when I’m left alone.
Yesterday at Kroger I was asked a question that I have heard before and have never understood. The woman at the cash register asked, “Are you babysitting the kids?” I’m sure it was a harmless comment but I have never understood why anyone would say a parent is ‘babysitting’ their children. Or as I’ve heard some guy friends say, “I’m staying home to babysit the kids while my wife goes out.”
Parents don’t babysit their children. We take advantage of every possible opportunity we have to love on them, teach them, model behavior for them. We are blessed with the opportunity to spend some time with them. Is it always easy? Of course not! But the connotation and inference when someone says a parent, usually a dad, is babysitting their own children is pretty obvious.
Over the years, dads have gotten the image of being pretty helpless around the home and with the children. They might be amazingly proficient in their industry but when it comes to finding clothes for the kids or even boiling water, dads are often portrayed as being helpless. There are probably a few of those helpless men out there but for the most part I believe dads are waking up to the fact that it takes a balanced effort from husband and wife in raising the children and running the household.
Are there things that I can’t do? You bet! The poor children will have some funky looking hair today. I just learned how to make a simple pony tail last year. But there are things my wife is challenged by too. It’s not unusual to get a phone call about some sort of technology question when I am away from home. Both of us are fairly proficient on our own and when we’re together I believe we are an unstoppable team in helping each other to excel at the most important thing we can be doing, raising our girls.
So, if you’ve been guilty of asking dads if they are babysitting the kids, think about what you’re implying. A few months ago a woman I have known most of my life asked what I had planned for the day. I told her I planned to wrap things up at the office and head home to spend some time with the family, cook dinner and help my wife with the laundry. Her reply, “Well aren’t you the good little homemaker.” The reply in my head was, “No. I’m an active and engaged father and husband who is trying to actively be involved with and care for my family.” My actual response was, “Yep.”
Maybe I’m taking these simple comments too seriously. But I’ve heard from others who are bugged by this as well. If you know a dad who is working hard, give that man a pat on the back. I have a response that I’ve started using when I’m out with my girls and people ask if I’m babysitting the kids. I simply say, “No. I’m blessed to spend time with them.” I used it yesterday at Kroger and the teller stopped her work of checking out my purchase, looked right at me and said “Wow! You don’t hear that very often.”
Don’t get me wrong. My kids wear me thin sometimes. By the time bedtime comes around I am usually quite happy for the end of the day. But if you’re a dad who claims that you’re babysitting your own kids, think about changing your language and perspective. What a great opportunity you have to model for your children the type of man they should be some day or the type of man they should be looking to marry one day. No, I’m not the babysitter…I’m Dad.
Agreed. My wife and I run a business and we are fortunate to be able to stay home one work day each week with our kid. I generally do Thursdays and she does Fridays. I’m definitely not a babysitter.
Your pride as a Dad comes through in your Facebook photos Brandon! Good to know a lawyer agrees with me 🙂
I never liked “Oh, so you’re a Mister Mom.” It’s not a movie, and I’m not a mom. In retrospect there are definately things I wish I’d done differently, but perhaps strongest on that much too long list would be NO DAYCARE CENTER. It’s also interesting to look back at things you obviously did, but have little or no recollection of doing. They were parts of the journey. Done and forgotten.
Jon,
There are too many dads out there that don’t share the responsiblities with their children, sadly that on top of dads who say they are babysitting their children also contribute to this type of question. It may cause a mother, especially those who choose to stay home, to put less value on themselves, being looked at as simply the “baby sitter”. Even almost 30 years ago when I stayed home with Clayton, the attitude about me doing nothing all day (ha! ha!) was clearly there. There are too many working mothers out there who also place stay at home moms on a lower totem pole than those moms who work outside the home. I am not saying that women shouldn’t work outside the home, but please respect and be thankful for those who care for your children. Childcare givers just don’t get the credit they truly deserve in a lot of cases. So many of us are happy to stay with our children and grandchildren, is some cases without being compensated or even a thank you. I glad that I have a choice financially to do so, that I have always had that choice to stay home. Everyone should be respected for the decision they have made regarding this, and hey quite honestly I have had some working mothers tell me that staying home with their kids just wasn’t for them. Any job can be tough on some days, staying home with a children is quite a job, those of you who stay home or have stayed home to raise children know exactly what I am talking about. More dads need to learn by your example, anyone who knows you has seen how you are with your daughters and how you treat your wife, honestly how you treat each other. I am very blessed to have such wonderful neighbors! : ) : ) : )
Thanks Lisa for all your wonderful comments and thoughts! Staying at home is a challenging job for sure but it is among the most rewarding. I just want to make a huge impact on my young girls while they still enjoy being around their Dad 🙂
Well said! I do believe this generation of young dads is much more involved with the kids and household responsibilities. I often tell my DIL how blessed she is to have my son, who is also very involved. But such a dad/husband was fairly rare in my generation! I’m glad that’s changing!
Thanks Donna! I know every generation has their challenges for sure. Seems like things are just moving so fast now. Takes 2 to keep up with everything.
Nobody would ever walk up to a mother at the grocery store with their kids and say “wow! babysitting today?” or “out with the kids ALONE?! good for YOU!” I’m glad other men besides my husband get irritated by the patronizing comments. As a society we need to stop assuming that dads are incompetent and that merely getting their children dressed is a vast accomplishment, or marginalizing their role and acting like they shouldn’t be involved at all.
Our two year old was hospitalized this past week and the nurses were AMAZED and kept commenting on the fact that my husband stayed the night with us and was taking care of our son, because they hardly ever saw dads with their sick children. Even my friends were commenting on the fact that he was such an amazing dad. His response? “No, I’m just a dad. that’s what dads do.” He felt that it was so sad that something as natural as comforting a sick toddler had become worthy of amazement. It’s such a shame that we have such a double standard, and it really does children a disservice by portraying involved parenting as “extraordinary” excusing absent and uninvolved fathers as “normal”.
Thanks for your comments Jean…and first off I hope your two year old is feeling a lot better! My little vent has gotten a lot of attention. I think to a certain extent there are some stereotypes perpetuated by society about dads. I have also found that older generations use the term babysitting in a different way than our generation does. But as your husband found out, dads do a lot to perpetuate the stereotype too. As he found out, it is a rarity to have a dad actively involved in the care of the children. Dads are probably the ones who can do the most to change perception. Thanks a bunch for your thoughts and I hope your two year old gets feeling better real soon!
Oh he is back to tearing the house up as only a two year old tornado can! The marvels of IV fluids! Thanks for your concern.
I agree, I loved your response to the clerk and I’ll be sharing it with my husband. I think more dads need to stop people and say, “No. This is how it SHOULD be. I am not doing anything special, I am just a dad, loving my kids. I’m the lucky one here.” If more dads like you guys speak up, maybe perception will change for the better. I’ve seen your post popping up all over my friends’ Facebook pages today so you’re off to a good start spreading the word.
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